Wobble.. Bobbleblaw..

I almost forgot

    how to let go

  of things that

       broke my breath

I almost forgot

     how to forgive

         things that

    stabbed my chest

I almost forgot

     how to deal

   with the misfortune

           that is often

       hold me in

I almost forgot

     how to see

   the world that

       I often trying

          to be grateful

     of,   but

             things seems

          would not be

        enough

        

I almost forgot

    how to paint

  a smile in 

        a life that

      is full of 

    miserable.

If only you,
    read this writings
   I want to
       thank you for
     giving a space
         to hear my
      thoughts
  when I just
          wishing that none
    of them are
      real.

Before you go
       leaving this page
  and maybe not
         coming back,  I
     have a simple
   question for you
     to answer.

will you,

        help 

     to paint me

        a smile ..? 

     

July, 12th 2018

-Azmeirina-

Mamah

Halo semuanya! It’s been almost one year since my last post. Kalau tahun lalu gue masih dealing sama urusan lokasi penelitian skripsi, sebentar lagi insya Allah gue akan melaksanakan sidang skripsi *YEAY!* seluruh persiapan Alhamdulillah sudah matang, draft, presentasi, semua udah oke. Cuma, penguji gue Prof. Zainal sibuk banget, tapi kemarin udah acc beliau untuk tanggalnya. Jadi, ditunggu aja ya tanggal mainnya :P

Anyway, kalau kalian baca judul post gue yang kali ini, iya gue mau cerita soal “Ibu” atau yang gue pribadi menyebut nyokap dengan panggilan “Mamah”. Kenapa sih gue pengen bahas soal ini? Lanjutin aja ya bacanya sampai selesai hehehehe. Kebetulan juga, kali ini gue lagi pengen santai, jadi ngga formal ngga apa-apa ya.

Sebelumnya, gue yakin seluruh orang di muka bumi ini, punya sosok seorang Ibu. Entah mereka mengagumi Ibunya atau tidak, tapi pasti, mereka punya Ibu. Nggak sedikit juga dari banyaknya orang yang bahkan belum pernah bertemu dengan Ibu nya, entah karena Ibu nya meninggal ketika melahirkan, atau “meninggalkan anaknya” karena alasan yang lain.

Alhamdulillah, sampai di usia 22 tahun ini, gue dapat bertemu dengan nyokap gue setiap hari. Dulu waktu kecil, gue sering kesal dan nggak suka sama nyokap, karena terkesan terlalu mengekang dan memberi banyak aturan. Tapi ya namanya anak kecil, ketika gue nggak suka sama nyokap, yang gue lakukan hanya bisa menangis. Dulu di mata gue, nyokap gue itu galak banget. Dikit-dikit  marah, dikit-dikit nyentil. Gue sering merasa “selalu salah” di depan nyokap. Pokoknya dulu semasa sekolah, gue sering kesal sama nyokap.

Tapi semakin gue bertambah usia, gue semakin mengerti, bahwa apa yang nyokap lakukan, ternyata semata demi kebaikan gue. Dari SD sampai SMA kelas 1, handphone gue sering disita nyokap karena dianggap merusak konsentrasi belajar. Gue kesal banget saat itu, gue ngadu ke guru, gue nangis. Gue merasa kayak dikekang (kalo diinget-inget alay banget ya?). Tapi ternyata apa yang nyokap lakukan membuahkan hasil, gue bisa punya prestasi di sekolah. Itu semua nggak lepas dari campur tangan nyokap dalam mendidik gue.

Beberapa tahun terakhir, khususnya saat mulai kuliah, intensitas komunikasi antara gue dan nyokap semakin meningkat. Gue semakin merasa “butuh” untuk ngobrol sama nyokap terutama saat sepulang kuliah, segala penat yang gue rasakan kayanya bisa lepas hanya dengan ngobrol sama nyokap. Semakin lama, ada sesuatu yang nggak gue sadari, rasa ketidaksukaan gue ke nyokap semakin berganti menjadi rasa kagum. Setiap gue ngobrol, bertukar pikiran, atau curhat, gue sering kali cuma bisa senyum melihat betapa tangguhnya wanita di depan gue ini. Sampai akhirnya, gue menjadikan nyokap sebagai role model gue.

Semakin ke sini, perbincangan hangat antara gue dan nyokap semakin menjadi candu. Gue dan nyokap menjadi semakin lebih luwes untuk berbincang tentang satu sama lain. Kami berdua sering kali menghabiskan waktu berjam-jam hanya untuk bicara tentang apa saja, yang paling sering, jadi telat tidur karena terlalu seru membahas ini itu, bisa sampai jam 1 atau 2 pagi sambil ngopi dan ngemil berdua di ruang keluarga.

Gue juga pernah jadi telat berangkat ke kampus karena saat sarapan gue ngobrol dulu sama nyokap, atau nyokap yang terlambat berangkat karena mau cerita-cerita dulu. Tapi ternyata, sekarang secara perlahan gue mulai sadar, bahwa di balik setiap detik yang terlambat, ada sebuah ikatan yang terjalin semakin erat. Hubungan gue dan nyokap semakin lama semakin dekat, bahkan mungkin jauh lebih dekat ketimbang saat gue masih kecil dulu.

Mungkin gue belum sempat bilang ke nyokap, tapi gue udah berjanji ke diri gue sendiri, bahwa gue ingin membuat nyokap bahagia.

If only you read this, I love you so much Mamah.

March, 10th 2018
Warmest regards,



-Azmeirina-

Aqua & Vanilla

What happened between us,
will always be something to be kept.
To be learned as a lesson, and to be exactly remembered.
That we've done something good together.
Even the worst ones taught us,
about the better version,
of you, of me, of the world.
For one month short or long,
I've finally realized the truth.
We are walking on a different path now,
for our own reasons,
for our own happiness.
So there were you and me.
No more us.
No more Aqua and Vanilla.



March, 28th 2017



-Azmeirina-

What if?

I think we should live separately from each other,

Move so far away until the shadows are gone,

Forget all the laughter above the pillow,

Washout all the kisses below the blanket,

Leave all those pretty things behind,

And then we off to go,

To a place we say goodbye.

But I have questions to be answered,

What if we would never meet again?

Or, what if our path would cross again?

Would we tie the knot and share the breath till the death?

February, 23rd 2017

-Azmeirina-

Pernah Tidak

Tidak pernah merasa dekat.

Tidak pernah merasa hangat.

Tidak pernah merasa sama.

Tidak pernah merasa lagi.

Tidak pernah sebelum-nya.

A//

January, 15th 2017

-Azmeirina-

Kepribadian Dependen

Halo teman-teman!

Sesuai dengan judul di atas, pada hari yang berbahagia ini gue akan mengulas sedikit tentang kepribadian dependen. Sebenarnya ada banyak jenis kepribadian, tapi yang kali ini ingin gue bahas adalah salah satu jenis kepribadian yang paling sering dijumpai. Ada yang salah gak sih dari seseorang yang dependen? Nah, sekarang kita bahas dulu yuk definisi dari kepribadian dependen.

Menurut Kamus Besar Bahasa Indonesia (KBBI), 

Kepribadian = Sifat hakiki yang tercermin pada sikap seseorang atau suatu bangsa yang membedakannya dari orang atau bangsa lain.

Dependen = Tergantung (terikat pada); tidak berdiri sendiri.

Jadi, kepribadian dependen adalah sifat bergantung kepada orang lain yang tercermin pada sikap seseorang.

Pribadi yang dependen bergantung kepada orang lain dalam berbagai macam hal, termasuk pengambilan keputusan. Keluarga serta pasangan biasanya menjadi "objek dependensi" atau tempat bergantung para pemilik kepribadian dependen. Segala keinginan yang bukan kebutuhan rasanya harus dipenuhi, sampai timbul rasa takut akan perpisahan yang berlebihan terhadap objek dependensi tersebut.

Gue pribadi juga pernah menjadikan seseorang menjadi objek dependensi, sehingga pada akhirnya gue menjadi bergantung (dependen) kepada orang lain. Dependensi tersebut lama-lama menimbulkan perasaan cemas akan kehilangan dan perpisahan, cemas karena sering kali gue berpikir, jika objek dependensi gue sudah tidak ada lagi, lalu bagaimana bisa gue survive tanpa "sandaran" lagi? Apakah gue tetap bisa menjalani kehidupan normal tanpa objek dependensi? Sampai suatu saat objek dependensi gue sudah tidak ada lagi, efeknya adalah penurunan keinginan dan motivasi untuk melakukan kegiatan. Lemas rasanya, saat itu gue berpikir bahwa kehilangan objek dependensi sama saja dengan kehilangan nyawa gue sendiri.

(Fyi, objek dependensi gue saat itu adalah abang gue, yang selalu mengantar gue kemanapun. Sampai saat abang gue menikah, dia sudah fokus dengan keluarga kecil yang dibangunnya. Sedangkan gue, pada akhirnya harus belajar memberanikan diri pergi kemanapun dengan transportasi umum sendirian.)

Setelah tau bagaimana efeknya, bagaimana gak enaknya menjadi pribadi yang dependen, akhirnya gue mencoba untuk mulai menghilangkan kebiasaan dependen gue. Awalnya gue takut untuk pergi kemana-mana sendirian, setiap pergi selalu merasa insecure. Tapi alhamdulillah sekarang gue bisa pergi kemanapun sendirian dengan perasaan yang lebih tenang.

Saat gue menyadari bahwa gue ternyata seseorang yang dependen, gue belum mengetahui kalau kepribadian dependen bisa berujung menjadi gangguan kejiwaan. Sampai akhirnya semester ini, gue mempelajari ilmu kejiwaan (psikiatri), lalu gue dihadapkan pada 1 kasus pasien dengan kepribadian dependensi. Awalnya gue agak kurang percaya, tapi setelah gue buka beberapa textbook atau buku ajar dan juga beberapa jurnal, ternyata memang benar. Kepribadian dependen bisa menjadi salah satu bentuk gangguan jiwa, jika memenuhi kriteria diagnosisnya. Hal ini tercantum dalam Pedoman Penggolongan dan Diagnosis Gangguan Jiwa (PPDGJ) di Indonesia edisi ke-3. Gak hanya di buku PPDGJ aja, tapi di literatur lain pun disebutkan, diantaranya dalam buku Sinopsis Psikiatri - Kaplan Sadock, Buku Ajar Psikiatri - FK UI, dan beberapa literatur lainnya. Hal ini menguatkan apa yang baru saja gue pelajari, bahwa menjadi dependen atau bergantung, ternyata berujung pada suatu gangguan jiwa.

Kriteria diagnosis Gangguan Kepribadian Dependen menurut PPDGJ ke -3 akan gue post by request bagi teman-teman yang ingin mengetahui penegakkan diagnosis GKD karena kalau ditulis di post ini nantinya akan terlalu panjang.

"Kepribadian dependen bisa menjadi salah satu bentuk gangguan jiwa, jika memenuhi kriteria diagnosisnya. Hal ini tercantum dalam Pedoman Penggolongan dan Diagnosis Gangguan Jiwa (PPDGJ) di Indonesia edisi ke-3" 

 Kalau menurut Buku Ajar Psikiatri FK UI Edisi 1 Tahun 2010,

"Gangguan Kepribadian Dependen = Suatu pola perilaku berupa kebutuhan berlebih agar dirinya dipelihara, yang menyebabkan seorang individu berperilaku submisif, bergantung kepada orang lain, dan ketakutan akan perpisahan dengan orang tempat ia bergantung."

Objek dependensi lain yang sering dijumpai dalam kehidupan sehari-hari adalah pasangan pribadi tentunya, ketika 2 orang menjalin sebuah hubungan, dalam satu waktu yang bersamaan timbul komitmen yang diiringi dengan dependensi. Yap, ketergantungan. Dependensi paling lumrah adalah atensi dan afeksi, atau perhatian dan kasih sayang. Banyak orang yang pada akhirnya menuntut frekuensi serta jumlah atensi yang sama secara konstan terus menerus, namun secara gak sadar mereka yang demanding itu sudah menjadi dependen, dan sudah pasti pasangannya menjadi objek dependensi. Pada akhirnya ketika terjadi penurunan frekuensi pemberian atensi, dia menjadi cemas, berujung sedih, murung, atau bisa jadi marah, karena kebutuhannya akan perhatian kurang memenuhi keinginannya.

Beberapa hal lain yang sering terlihat adalah dependensi seorang wanita untuk dijemput oleh pasangannya, atau dependensi seorang pria terhadap wanita dalam hal urusan rumah tangga. Menurut gue pribadi, permintaan akan sesuatu untuk sekali atau dua kali mungkin masih wajar, meskipun penilaian taraf kewajaran merupakan hal yang subjektif. Tapi kalau itu menjadi suatu kebiasaan, bukankah itu menjadi perilaku dependen? Jika memang pria berkomitmen untuk menjemput, dan wanita berkomitmen untuk mengurus rumah tangga, maka dependensi bukan menjadi masalah. Karena komitmen dan dependensi adalah 2 hal yang berbeda.

Sama halnya dengan kehadiran Asisten Rumah Tangga (ART), mereka memang punya komitmen untuk mengurus rumah, mulai dari nyapu, ngepel, ngelap, nguras bak mandi, ngosek kamar mandi, dan hal lain yang menjadi tugasnya di rumah. Namun, kehadiran ART bisa menjadi objek dependensi majikannya. Efek dependensi terhadap ART biasanya terlihat saat lebaran, semua ART mudik ke kampung halaman, lalu majikan kebingungan untuk melaksanakan pekerjaan rumah tangga. Padahal di sisi lain, kehadiran ART dapat membantu kita untuk belajar mengurus rumah tangga sendiri. Tetapi semua kembali lagi ke pribadi masing-masing, setiap orang punya kebijakan masing-masing dalam menyikapi hadirnya ART.

Biasanya, setelah objek dependensi sudah tidak ada, terjadi fase penyesuaian atau adaptasi. Jika tidak bisa beradaptasi selama 6 bulan, hal ini bisa disebut sebagai Gangguan Penyesuaian sesuai dengan buku PPDGJ-3. Kalau setelah 6 bulan masih tidak bisa beradaptasi juga, ujungnya bisa ke Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Gangguan Cemas Menyeluruh) atau bisa juga menjadi Gangguan Depresi. Mungkin Gangguan Jiwa yang lainnya yang berefek dari Kepribadian Dependen akan gue bahas di post selanjutnya.


Setelah mempelajari sedikit demi sedikit mengenai kepribadian dependen, pada akhirnya gue sadar bahwa menjadi independen itu menyenangkan. Kita gak perlu bergantung kepada orang lain untuk mengantar kesana kemari, gak perlu bergantung kepada siapapun dalam mengurus rumah (nyapu, ngepel, ngelap, ngurus mobil, ngosek kamar mandi), serta gak perlu bergantung untuk atensi dan afeksi, karena pada akhirnya gue sadar kalau dukungan moril paling besar datangnya adalah dari dalam diri kita sendiri.


Sekian dulu ulasan kali ini tentang kepribadian dependen, semoga bermanfaat untuk teman-teman semuanya, terutama untuk gue pribadi.


And, thank you for visiting my blog!


December, 14th 2016
Sincerely,



-Azmeirina-

The Journey of 2016

Hello, reader(s)!

I came on blogging againnn after months of hiatus, and I guess I wanna share about what was going on my life through 2016, knowing that we are now walking on the last pages of the year.... yashhh it's already December! So, why not to share something about this year? :P

First of all, 2016 has been one of the most up-and-down kinda year for me. (Do I always said "this year has been the most up-and-down kinda year for me" like every year? Wqwqwq) But this year, is really one of the most experiencing year, the happiest year, maybe one of the busiest year, but not the saddest one I guess. I've got soooo many things to be learned and remembered in 2016 about organizations, environments, social acts, holidays, friendships, family life, medical lyfe as usual, love life also, and last but not least is about myself.

Last year, I decided to join some organizations without thinking what's the real meaning of it and its orientation. 2 of them were not really helping me on finding its orientation, they were only looking for youth development and empowerment but they don't know what's their own focuses. So I didn't put myself involved too far with them, I just came to them when they hold a social act or social event.

Then I joined other organizations, it works on environmental issues, and somehow it has something related to my medical life. When they discussed about pollution for example, I tried to find "what would happened if pollutant affects the lung?" or the other medical relation from every environmental issues. I found it was fun, really really fun. I enjoyed whenever they hold a group discussion until doing some research and make it related to some medical things.

I also joined a community, which taught poor and marginal children both in academic and non academic every Sunday noon. The children loves us, they keep on hugging and smiling whenever we came to the class to teach them.



For holiday kinda thing, I went to Jogjakarta last February. It wuz really wonderful. I went there alone, actually attending a NGO's National Meeting, but I came 3 days earlier so I have the whole 3 days for exploring Jogjakarta, all by myself. From Jakarta to Jogja by train, from the train station to the hotel by Go-Jek, from the hotel to another place by public transport, until 4 hours of walking-jogging-semi hiking from Sentolo to Kulonprogo. Well, I've planned a holiday to Jogjakarta next year but still haven't got the permit yet. Fyuhhh.



This year I met a lot of new people, got new experiences, gained more knowledge, and overall this year is better than 2015. About this year's love life I guess mine was sucks but it doesn't really bad tho. I learned a lot about how to accept and respect others the way they are and keep on striving and being patient even tho they didn't do the same. At first I thought it's gonna be the most rock-solid one, but God with His own way showed me that it wasn't. Well, we both were very opened to each other, about every single thing. Not because both of us forced or asked for it, but because both of us found our comfort zone, definitely in ours. Love, trust, faith, and honesty had just been there. We talked like best friends, listened to the same music, laughed at the same stupid jokes, yet we fought like the other couple. When it came to the good times, it was one of the most comfortable-enjoyable-lovable-unforgettable times in my life. But when it came to the bad times, it felt like it was one of the most sucks-irritating-unforgettable and the worst relationship I've ever had.

I knew every relationship has its good and bad times, so does mine. Everything went well, I might say it was perfect if only 99.8 was counted as 100. But after all those times, I have to go out from my comfort zone. When it came to the end, it was saddening and fed me up at first, yet it was the best decided I made that time because even tho I couldn't make the good times back again to me, at least I don't have to feel the bad ones, right?


Everything happened for a reason, and I believe God has prepared something much better than I expected.



December, 13th 2016
Sincerely,


-Azmeirina-

Kota Tua

Aku berkelana ke kota tua
Melewati senja hanya berdua
Bercerita tentang segala apa
Menikmati malam yang tanpa arah
Meski hati pun tetap satu arah.

A//

July, 16th 2016

-Azmeirina-

Ka, - Ku, - Ki

Ketika surya membakar peluh,

Aku tersenyum.

Aku tahu ini cara-Nya membuatku bersyukur,

Meski penat pun lelah

Ketika angin membawa senja,

Aku terhenyuh.

Aku tahu ini berkah dari-Nya, untukku tetap bersyukur,

Meski tak lagi dirasa hangat

Ketika sabit mengganti hari,

Aku terpaku.

Aku yakin ini jawaban-Nya, kata-Nya ini baik.

Meski esok tak akan sama lagi.

A//
July, 16th 2016
-Azmeirina-

Rasa

Sejak kapan rasa itu ada.

Sejak saat itu.

Lalu kapan rasa itu hilang.

Ketika kita menghendakinya pergi.

Terbang, Datang, dan Pergi.

Kupu-kupu datang atas nama cinta.
Meski ranting tak mendapat kabar berita,
Kukirimkan merpati putih sebagai pertanda;

Bisikan bulan yang merindu,
Menyambut tatapan bintang yang tersendu

Dan tak lagi untuk yang lain,
Sampai degup ini terhenti.
Ketika usang menyampaikan,
Yang tak sempat tersampaikan.

A//
December, 28th 2014
-Azmeirina-

Oktober.

Musim Gugur.

Ketika aku, kau, bertemu,

Kata mereka, kita satu.
Kata dunia, kita padu.

Tapi kataku, kita keliru.




A//
October, 13th 2014
-Azmeirina-

Mind and Soul

"Surtout, pense pas de mal de moi de mon romantisme. T'aimer, si fort toujours si lain dans la folie tu vois" 

Ill-usion

I went to the station,
Looking out for someone that I had been waiting for
I saw them was sitting right there,
With those curious face that I hadn't seen for so long

It was 9 am until the train came to the station
They took my hand, protected me from anybody who seemed scary, and helped me getting into the train

I was feeling like a group of trashes inside the train
It was full and so everybody couldn't even make a move
Despite of feeling insecure, all of a sudden I felt so comfy
Their arms were linking into my body,
I was feeling protected, comfy, or even more than loved
Call me an old-fashioned, but I had never felt this way before
Never been this comfy, never been this loved..
So time went by as those warm hugs made felt like disorientation 

We were arrived at the final station
We stepped out from the train, walked down the never-ending stairs at the station
I didn't mind with my foots, legs
What's not to love about walking with your fav ones?
If there were 100 stairs at that time, I would like to add 1000 more stairs so I could be more enjoying the time we were holding each other

But then I slipped the stairs, I fell so hard until I couldn't open my eyes for a while
It was totally dark, and I was like sleeping that time
As I opened my eyes, I was surrounded by lot of people, asking if I was okay
Ignoring their question, I asked them back whether they saw the one who walked with me or not
They told me that I was walking down the stairs alone

People kept telling me I'm pale and frail
I felt confuse with what was happened that time
Those face that I saw at the first station, those hand that hold me tight at the train, those people that spinning on my mind 
I wondered and asked myself who were they, why even their touch I can't let go
And suddenly something hardly stabbed my chest, I couldn't see but I could feel it, something called intuition
Made me realize that all I had done was just my own illusion.

A//cd
December, 16th 2014
-Azmeirina-

The First Man on Earth

Merah bata asalnya, namun tak merah kenyataannya
Tegap diciptakannya, begitu gagah sebagai pemimpin
Tuhan bilang ia kena kutukan, akibat tak mendengar apa kata-Nya

Itu yang kutahu tentangnya,
Namun aku punya cerita tentangnya yang disana
Yang sangat lihat dalam memainkan jari lentiknya
Melodi indah yang dilantunkan dalam setiap petikan

Begitu jeli bola matanya menerka alam sekitar
Membingkai kehidupan sebagai buah tangan untuk masa depan
Tapi aku tak suka tangannya yang lebih sering menekan tombol itu,
Aku telah terlanjur cinta pada petikannya

Di balik kaca bening itu, 
Terdapat bola putih karya Tuhan yang kerap kuperhatikan dalam diam
Gerak-geriknya yang begitu lugu, polos, namun tegas
Kebahagiaan akan hidup tersirat dalam senyumnya

Ia, salah satu alasan yang membuat pagar putihku berjejer gagah
Kadang membuat hati tergelitik, dalam malu.

A//ar

September, 19th 2011

-Azmeirina-

Tak Ada Lagi

Tak ada lagi,
Dan tak lagi untuk yang lain.

Ditatap, atau menatap
Digenggam, atau menggenggam
Dipangku, atau memangku

Yang tersirat dari pertemuan.

Meski ini kilat perpisahan.

Dan tak ada lagi.

A//cd
December, 15th 2014
-Azmeirina-

Ciputat - Pondok Labu

Pagi ini di Ciputat, sejuk
Setengah enam aku berjalan menikmati dayuh angin
Sambil menanti angkutan yang kiranya akan datang menghampiri

Pagi ini di Lebak Bulus,
Tak lagi sejuk, padat
Sambil berjalan mencari angkutan lainnya
Yang akan menghantarku ke terminal selanjutnya

Pagi ini di Pondok Labu,
Riuh, tak kondusif seadanya
Pasar yang tak pernah sepi
Ditemani amis dan insekta yang bertebaran

Dan aku sampai disini,
Dengan berbagai mobil angkutan yang membawaku ke suatu tujuan,
Meski jauh dan berliku,
Seperti rindu yang membawamu dalam dekap.









A//
December, 15th 2014
-Azmeirina-

The Fallen Flowers

I believe in the magic of eye
As a bridge between two birds
For them to play, and dance
For them to get the clique

I believe in the magic of time
As a place between two birds
For them to shout, and share
For them to get cliche

I believe in the magic of touch
As a soul-binding between two birds
For them to know, and realize
For them to feel the hype,

of the Fallen Flowers.

A//cd
November, 30th 2014
-Azmeirina-

Touchfull Story

This is from my tumblr, and this story inspired me a lot about the difference between bored and got-no-feeling.

Married or not you should read this…


“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up

Future

You-Ady-Ash-Me

:)